Badly Behaved People is a collection of case studies from my coaching practice (composites, obviously), describing people problems, the dark underbelly of business. The dysfunctional relationships I describe in the book were mostly fixed with clearer boundaries and calmer conversations.
I’ve boiled down the golden rules in this article. Following them will help you to avoid conflict and crossed wires (even the ones in your own head). They might save you from festive friction too. Feel free to share them.
1. You can control your behaviour
No matter how you feel you can still control what you say and do. You may have strong feelings but you don’t have to act from the power of those feelings. Experiencing an anxious thought does not have to make you anxious.
2. Not everyone is like you
No one thinks exactly like you, behaves like you, makes similar decisions, or shares your values. Not everyone has to like you either. Don’t waste energy trying to change them. All you can do is respond to them with sensitivity and hope they meet you in the middle. By all means try to influence people to see your point of view, but ultimately it is their choice whether they decide to.
3. You can’t please everyone
You will disappoint people from time to time. Understand who you need to keep happy and who you can say a polite ‘no’ to when time and energy are limited. Catch yourself when you try to soothe people to keep on their good side, otherwise known as ‘fawning’. You may have felt compelled to do this as a child, but you don’t have to do this as an adult. Distance yourself from people who make you feel that fawning is a necessity. Feeling that you are treading on eggshells is a red flag that these people aren’t healthy to be around.
4. Be consistently pleasant
That’s not much to ask. Consistent kindness and politeness build trust and emotional safety. When people feel they need to predict your mood they become hyper-vigilant and stressed. As well as the damage this does to your relationships, you risk being excluded and may miss essential information because people don’t want to upset you with ‘bad news’.
5. Don’t rescue
Rescuers take excessive responsibility for the emotions and behaviours of others, preventing those people from learning to fix their own problems. You don’t need to stop other people feeling discomfort, and they won’t thank you for it in the long term. Instead, bring out the best in them by being an aspirational, positive person to be around.
6. Be accountable
Take responsibility. Own your mistakes. You are human; we all slip up now and then. Admit what you’ve done, apologise if your mistake has impacted others, change your behaviour and move on. An apology is pointless without behaviour change.
7. Slow down
It’s easy to cause offence in the moment, or through a hastily written message. Crazy busyness crowds out genuine communication. It only takes a few extra minutes to ask people how they are and listen fully to what they say.
8. Recognise when to give advice and when to listen
Most people don’t need or want your advice, especially with emotional rather than practical problems. Help them to figure out their own solutions. Chip in your insights only if necessary. This is potent soft power: the ability to bring people with you rather than pushing or coercing them by telling them what to do. Remember WAIT – Why Am I Talking?
9. Don’t believe your own bullshit, whether it’s positive or negative
Stay humble. You might be an expert at something but that doesn’t make you an expert at everything. (I am guilty of this). The opposite is true too: don’t believe the snarky voices in your head – or the person who shows up as a living representation of that inner critic.
10. Fly with eagles, don’t scratch with turkeys
We are the sum of who we hang out with. Build a cohort of great people who have your back and point out your blindspots with compassion.
11. Avoid control freakery
Things won’t fall apart if you’re not in control of them. Learn to trust others and don’t be a bottleneck. Build in systems so you can check progress if that’s needed, then stay in your lane and contribute at your highest level. A good question that will help you prioritise is: ‘What is it that only I can do?’
12. Ditch perfectionism
Life isn’t perfect, decisions won’t be perfect, and you aren’t perfect either. Few jobs deserve a perfect performance, so don’t overthink them or procrastinate. Save your energy for the ten per cent that really needs maximum effort and attention. Go for those tasks wholeheartedly, all guns blazing. Otherwise, get your tasks completed and passed along to the people waiting for them.
13. Nip problems in the bud
Conflict rarely explodes without warning; it’s probably been building up. Say you’ve noticed something’s adrift and ask the other person what’s going on. Clear the air. Don’t assume you know someone else’s problem. Ask them. Listen without judgement and discover both sides of the story.
14. Above all, understand that life’s not fair
Bad stuff happens to good people. There is no law in the universe that says otherwise. Cultivate a flexible attitude to life, rather than rigid expectations and schedules. Live with ease. Build in time for curveballs. There’ll always be chaos and there’ll always be something to fix. Don’t wait until you’ve got everything in order. That day will never come. Enjoy life now, get on with the things you want to do and don’t sweat the small stuff.